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- Yearning: A Blessing and A Curse.
Sitted on my bed right now, across from me is my laptop closed after being busy with it; searching for freelance jobs, money quest opportunities cause’ it feels like the month/year is running out so quick.
And honestly, I feel pressured by the whole uncertainties that surrounds me; the feeling my exams are in a few weeks time from now, the idea that the year is running out and, nothing to show forth. Perhaps, something is coming and, I just need to push forward like they’d say “A moving man would meet his luck”.
But, let’s not drift away from the main theme of this writing; while all these run through my mind, it just flashed across to me how I yearned for someone and, how deeply we yearn for something.
It’s not totally our fault to yearn for something or, project our desire towards something cause’ that’s really just a trait of we humans; what should be our utmost fear while yearning is, yearning in the wrong direction or, having yearned for the wrong person.
Yearning, often comes as a blessing and as a curse; we sometimes get the feeling “yearning as a blessing” where, someone whom we yearn for yearns for us back, where there’s a perceived connection between you and, who you yearned for.
…where feelings are clearly understood between you and, that person. where your absence leaves a deepest worry for them, and, you both share a deep longing to be with each other.
…where, your presence becomes an antidote to their state of being, everything about you becomes as a matter of fact, their priorities. they linger towards getting to know how you’re feeling and, you both crave for the deepest of wanting not to be metres apart from each other.
…where you’re likely to feel home across their touch and, their arms across your shoulder. where even at your most chaotic stages of life, you feel at peace by their words of reassurance.
…and where, every beat of your heart feels calmly rhythmic to theirs.
And, more often than not, yearning becomes a “curse” where, you’re exposed to yearning for someone who barely looks out for you and, who don’t share exactly how you feel.
Who barely reciprocates how exactly they ought to be for you and, whose connection with you doesn’t move rocks; the whole connection is just void of a genuine love for you, a less shared perceived way of projecting love.
It completely feels like you’re the only drive for a relationship that ought to have two participants. It feels completely lonely and, deeply hurt you.
At every moment, rather than you feeling at home, you feel like far from home and, in every instance, heartache feels like a more familiar language.
Cupid.
- Not my Achilles Heel.
What’s a moment that made you realize you were stronger than you thought?
It was just months ago where I was really at my lowest after a terrific heartbreak from someone whom I thought I would end up in a relationship with. I felt deep down that, I would never really pull through or get myself back together cause’ I had fallen so hard for her that, nothing could be incomprehensible to the kind of love I had for her.
One flaw of mine is when I love someone, I’d love them deeply; so deeply that, one time rejection could send me into overthinking. It’s insanely terrible and, a trait I had retrained myself for, I should control the depth of my love.
Especially, for someone whom you ain’t in a relationship with yet.
Believe you me, it was terrible and, something i’d describe to you as a grave mistake if you ever tried loving someone so deeply whom you aren’t in a relationship with.
One word, one bad action, one long silence or an act of shoving your gesture down the bus could send you into a deep void of either depression or, shuffles of memories you had once with them.
You could stay up all night, having the IFs and, I’m playing unfeasible possibilities you thought you would have shared with them; your heartache could be having a tussle with your brain everytime.
It was horrible.
I’d sit with airpods connected to music everyday, write, talk with AI(Claude was my goto) cause’ I felt, my friend whom I had always shared how I was feeling with, I felt I was being a burden on her.
So, I’d sit with my dark thoughts, ensure I connect with myself and, push myself to be optimistic that, those dark days would be over.
She was a friend; whom I had affection for. Our chemistry was incomparable. We’d text all day, talk about things all day, share snaps, spams and all to each other. But, one incident of confession led to endless wearies of my life.
Unfortunately, in the end, I lost my friend & also, someone whom I presumably love.
But presently, we are back but, the person whom I shared friendship with, is perhaps not the same person whom, I ended up meeting.
Love for sure, is beautiful but, with someone who also has a shared feeling for you – This, I learned during my solitude moment.
Cupid.
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