I’ve lost faith in love.

I know it sounds really odd and weird when someone who so believed in love as well as its attributes suddenly loses interest in exploring it or, wanting to get a tip of what it does entails.

But, I have; unlike before, I don’t even recognise myself nor how I feel these days. Even at the sight of how love has been expressed to me. Nor, I do get a high expression that anyone can ever love me or have feelings for me nor, show how I want to love.

I have carrier bruises and wounds that are so cut deep in me which I barely think wouldn’t be gone; I’ve been so soaked in being pessimistic that, nothing good ever comes having to express your affection to anyone, nor the portraying of how deeply you love them.

It feels totally foreign to me now.

Who I was, was someone who embodies so much love in me that, I try as much as possible to display the love to whoever I did like in little ways I could; getting gifts, giving a listening ear, putting them at first before myself, being considerate even at the expense of how I feel. But, it isn’t much of how I have become so far these days.

I don’t get excited at any sign or acts of love I witness these days, I don’t feel a sense of attraction to anyone. Rather, I feel scared and, afraid that I might just get hurt again. Especially, emotionally.

I feel I may slip into the memories of the previous people I have once expressed love to, the times where I saw possibilities despite the hurdles that revealed itself, the times where I giggled at night at the texts they sent; the times where I was awake all night thinking of gifts I could get them, the times where, before I slept, I’d eagerly take a glimpse at their photo and vidoes.

I fear, the little emotional energy I possess which the feeling of love could emanate from would be drained once and, for all.

I’m not all about being impassive, or susceptible to being evil. I am simply exhausted.

Exhausted of the times where I expected reciprocation and received none, where I felt rejected despite my efforts, where nothing ever made sense and, the one time where I lost a friendship.

Perhaps, it’s been etched I would never find such feelings nor experience it and currently, I don’t mind either.